Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll. You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan*

*Or as he’s known in Minneapolis, Lily Coyle.

Photo(shop) Credit: Christian Grantham

From the Department of Wish I Had Written This, Aunt B alerts us to a Christmas miracle in Texas:

Let us recall the words of Jesus in Matthew 25:35-40:

“‘For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’”

And just to recap, for those of you less familiar with Jesus than, say, the people running charities that hand out presents at Christmas to underprivileged kids: Christmas is when we celebrate Jesus’ birthday, often by giving presents to people. Jesus was born in a barn and then his family had to sneak him out of the country and hide with him in Egypt because of the political situation in his own country.

That’s right. As a child, Jesus was taken by his parents into another country where he then resided under the radar of the authorities. If not technically an illegal immigrant, he was as close as you could come in that region 2,000 years ago.

So, it is that I must report that there were “charities” in Houston, including the Salvation Army and the Houston Fire Department, that weren’t give toys collected in their toy drives to children who aren’t legal residents of the United States.

But, in what I count as a Christmas Miracle, both the Salvation Army and the Houston Fire Department seem to have recently “clarified” their policy and children in the same circumstances as Jesus was will no longer be turned away.

Which is a nice thing, because Jesus is pretty clear at the end of Matthew 25 what happens to people who dick over people in precarious situations, and also pretty clear elsewhere about how he feels about people who dick over children.

Clear, yes, but not clear enough for some people.

I especially like the part that says, “I was sick and you looked after me…” Ahem.

By the way, have you ever wanted to send Aunt B somewhere on a slow boat? Well now here’s your chance (deadline 12/3).