LIBERADIO(!)

Let me start by saying I understand fully that there’s nothing I, or anyone else seriously interested in the following issues, will be able to do to avoid the attacks by the Bill Hobbses, the Robin Smiths, the Steve Schmidts, and the social conservative commentariat of the world, who will tear apart anyone who is not an evangelical for going anywhere near the issue of the recent revelation of a political pregnancy. But the shredding of the cynical veil of ignorance and arrogance these people wield is long overdue, and if I can so much as nick a thread, I will have contributed to a necessary discussion. So let’s begin untangling this narrative.

One could feel the crackling political romance begin a scant 6 months ago when they met. As if in response to McCain’s profound POW virility, his selected vice presidential candidate’s daughter (to name her would, of course, be to become part of the DailyKos liberal blogosphere smear machine that loves nothing better than to destroy the lives of young mothers everywhere) shortly thereafter found herself pregnant. And this was, of course, no fault of her own. From strict parenting and conservative values straight to the heroism of young motherhood and proper decisions, like marrying the young father. The messy stuff in the middle is just a trap for stupid liberals who just like attacking life!

Let’s review the turn-backs, shall we?

• Bristol is only pregnant because the liberal blogosphere is so mean!

  That’s right. If we only could’ve delayed public knowledge of this celebration of life till after the election, the world would see it for what it is: a triumph of humanity and the miracle of life.

• Abstinence-only is okay because pregnancy isn’t punishment

  Life is a miracle! In fact, to quote top McCain spokesperson Steve Schmidt, “Life happens.” Why, we barely even need sex at all! Liberals would have us believe that pregnancies could ever be unwanted. They not only hate pregnant people, they hate children. In fact, they hate life itself! Why do liberals hate America?!

• The best-laid plans don’t go awry; they go to a happy, supportive village.

  Yes, from the Palins themselves, we have this:

  “Our beautiful daughter Bristol came to us with news that as parents we knew would make her grow up faster than we had ever planned.”

  That’s right. Because when one has values, one doesn’t need planning, even though if the values had worked the on the first pass, then we wouldn’t need to promote our values so much right now. Because if we don’t promote our values vigorously at the moment, people might notice that these values only work for us, the well-off and comfortable, and not so much for the 20% of Americans in poverty. But, really, in the end, they’ll just have to work a little harder. And they can always talk about their values!

• When liberals have sex, it’s really bad. Like, morally reprehensible and completely unforgivable.

  Remember when Bill Clinton committed adultery? And John Edwards? And how that ruined a presidency and then terminated a political career? And remember how Newt Gingrich was in the middle of an affair as he was taking down Clinton and how Rudy Giuliani and John McCain were embarassingly unfaithful husbands and were finalists for the Republican nomination and how McCain ultimately won? Well, that’s because Republicans actually understand sexual morality, so they don’t really have to live it. But because Democrats are morally inferior creatures, they must not be allowed anywhere near public office because they’ll force the Palins to get abortions!

  The Palins don’t need to communicate to the world that premarital sex is wrong because it turns out, secretly, we’re all human! *wink wink* Get it? It’s only wrong in the Bible! Not when we conservatives actually do it. (But when Democrats do it, watch out!!!)

  We have our tinniest foil hats on the case right now to reveal the scandal that both of Obama’s daughters are pregnant!!!

(Beat.)

Okay. To borrow a phrase from Bill O’Reilly, “Fucking thing sucks!”

In reality, Sarah Palin’s outlook on life is to leave teenagers everywhere, both male and female, unequipped to deal with their own biology. And let me be clear: My biggest pet peeve from some promiscuity-accepting progressives is hearing, “Teenagers have sex!” Right. We just have to accept that. There’s nothing we could possibly do to demagnetize these raging skin-covered hormone balls! If I were one, I’m sure I’d be having sex right now! With the closest post-pubescent human near me! That said, failure to combine biological instruction with moral and even, really, social instruction is a recipe for failure. And for some reason, we’re content to keep cooking it.

I think a common failure of progressive discussion of sexual issues is founded in liberation rather than deliberation. Too often, the discussion assumes that all teenagers will try to have sex and that we should at least ensure that they’ll get it on safely. I reject the implicit anti-abstinence assumption in these discussions, especially after learning that teen intelligence was correlated with decisions to wait to have sex. I firmly believe that if we tackled this discussion aggressively and talked about morality, culture, and health, we would get somewhere with our ability to have mutually acceptable (and often different, but better understood) sexual mores as a culture.

Ms. Palin’s social conservatism, on the other hand, is itself a tacit promotion of promiscuity. When, for instance, will we get to the part where her next youngest daughter learns that what her older sister did was considered morally wrong? That doesn’t seem to show up in the public statement anywhere. Where is her actual leadership on abstinence other than in forcing the families of others to have no dialogue about anything else regarding sexual activity? This is, by their request, a private moment of celebration for the Palins. There’s no disappointment; only support. Is disappointment and punishment a private matter while support and unconditional love can be public?

I’ve already alluded to Kathryn Jean Lopez’s celebration of unplanned pregnancy as an unpunishable state. There is no accountability in the post-Bush world of conservatism. There are only transitive values. The collapse and failure of those values that have consequences (like, say, pregnancy) don’t matter because the values now apply to the consequences. And when those values fail (like, say, underfunded children’s services), we get to transfer the values neatly to the people who don’t share them with ideological fervor: liberals.

I’ll be glad to grant the Palins their privacy. But the circumstances they wish to keep private, they, and others like them, keep foisting on the public through cynical public policy that fails. And when public policy fails, Ms. Lopez’s thoughts notwithstanding, government does, in fact, punish its people. Failing to equip teenagers with appropriate sex education puts them at greater risk for sexual abuse, leaves them unprepared to understand why abstinence could be important (whether for religious or broader social and health reasons), and ultimately raises the cost of running both a family and a village.

Planning is important. And implementation of plans is even more important. And though Ms. Palin and her ilk would have us all believe otherwise, Planned Parenthood is not an abortion factory; it is an organization that promotes the very family planning the Palins failed to do. Sex and pregnancy and childhood development are not simple issues. They are extremely complicated. And because of that, they deserve our best and most considerate and considered efforts in public policy not bound by orthodox ideologies. Also, unplanned pregnancy is not de facto punishment. But those, like Ms. Palin, who propagate their non-mainstream ideas through public policy that results in high social costs ought to be punished.