In Defense of Marriage: a Constitutional Amendment to Ban Celebrity Marriage

Posted by Freddie on November 29, 2006 under Uncategorized |

Want to know what’s threatening the institution of marriage? It’s celebrities. As I reach an age where people from my parents’ generation constantly notice the lack of a ring on my finger, I’m able to look upon local couple Pam Anderson and Kid Rock and learn that I, too, could shack up for 3 months with a partly animatronic Hollywooder (a social class almost as nefarious as “suicider” or “decider”) and part ways after differing reactions to Borat with no harm done. This is not the kind of education I should be getting! As Hollywood continues to target our nation’s youth as a prime market, knowing that parents can’t resist kids, heeding Bush’s post-9/11 calls to continue shopping, they are undoing a sacred tradition of thousands of years.

Liberadio(!) hereby calls for an amendment to the constitution of Tennessee that reads as follows:

The historical institution and legal contract solemnizing the relationship of two people, neither of whom shall surpass a 15% statewide popular recognition threshold, shall be the only legally recognized marital contract in this state. Any policy or law or judicial interpretation, purporting to define marriage as anything other than the historical institution and legal contract between two relatively unknown people, is contrary to the public policy of this state and shall be void and unenforceable in Tennessee. If another state or foreign jurisdiction issues a license for persons to marry and if such marriage is prohibited in this state by the provisions of this section, then the marriage shall be void and unenforceable in this state.

If Nicole Kidman needs to invite me to dinner to express her opposition to this amendment, then so be it!

Next up will be our proposal for a constitutional amendment banning divorce.